10 years old.
That was my first public burst of anger. It came as a rude shock; more so to me. I didn't know that I had so much anger inside me. It took two days of pacifying to make me realise the folly of my actions. It was an awkward moment which many brushed aside and took no heed of.
11 years old.
A string of anger outbursts both in school and at the childcare centre led to a string of unhappiness both in school and in my family. I was frustrated, with what or with who I didn't know. I didn't have the faintest idea nor clue why I was reacting in such a repugnant manner that even I was disgusted at myself. I lost all my childhood friends; lost myself in a world of anger and fury. If hell hath no fury, then I think I was the living hell. I did not understand my actions, neither did my mum nor the counselor. No one did.
12 years old.
I wanted to be kept at a low-profile despite the things that happened. Yet, no one gave me that chance to do so. I lost myself in a whirlpool of hate. I hated a lot of things. A person also. I hated him for walking out on the family to pursue his personal pleasures. I hated him for his presence and lack of. I hated him.
I tormented myself with hate and wrath that my life became a complete mess.
I wanted a voice to hear me. A voice to speak to me without prejudice nor with a facade. I wanted an innocent voice to listen to my cries, to listen to my thoughts, to listen to me. I wanted this voice.
13 years old.
I experimented with things which today I don't even have the faintest idea who I tried it with. It was all in a name of fun to escape from my troubles. It was an extremist way of thought yet appeared inviting. It provided a momentary solution to my problems, an alternative path I would say, but it not eradicate any eventually. I wallowed in more sorrow and self-pity that I lost my shine and myself.
14 years old.
Mrs. Nath. She changed my way of thinking through her ways.
I walked closer with God. I found him in my way.
I learnt to let go, but not completely.
Today.
I am not without flaws nor am I without wrong-doings.
I don't embrace everything that I do whole-heartedly with acceptance and self-approval.
I am not without remorse and regrets.
Yet, I think I have more to give to myself and to the people around me.
Yet, I think I still can make that proverbial difference.
