Right, so where do I go from here?
I am rather apprehensive but I think I need to make a decision soon.
Should I or should I not?
Paradoxical it seems; whimsical though at times
I know not where my final destination is but at least I see my glimmer of hope at the end of each day
Doubt, when in it, ones mind just seem to be caught up in a whirlpool of events so much so that you may actually lose focus and meander off course.
I want my Ben and Jerry's.
I need my saccharine sweetness and psychedelic chocolate bitterness.
I need a good night sleep.
I need my lambs and sheeps to start jumping over me right now!
I need to breathe fresh air
I need my sustenance before any more ounce of my sanity is lost in this cathartic whirlpool
I need to find myself...again
I finally managed to set my laptop up and install the relevant programmes with the appropriate files transferred to it. All in all, it took me a good 5 hours for that, considering that I had 78 Microsoft Updates to download and install.
I am excited. Excited over the new challenges I will face as a new week arrives. Excited because I know it is a new set of challenges that I will face and would need to invest a good amount of time to overcome. Excited because I can finally go for my driving lesson after a two week hiatus. Excited because I now know how to manage my time such that I will not be caught in the whirlpool of administrative matters and lesson-preparation. In short, I am excited for being able to, finally, live a life. Phew!
I have said my peace during the English Meeting this afternoon. I think, and to be really honest and frank, we as a department are doing far too much, implementing and fine-tuning way too much, supporting others a wee bit too much so much so to the extent that I am asking the question of its ultimate purpose. For students? For teachers? For the school?
Standardisation. This has been the one word that has been bugging me throughout the entire meeting. Everything has to be standardised and adhered to the set standards and fixations. However, the paradoxical part I seem to have is why aren't these standardisations explicitly stated prior to the start of the academic year given that this year the school is going to be accessed by an external audit firm. It is even more ironic that teachers are expected to do so much when time ain't on their side. What's with personal development when I don't even have the time to sit and think of the 'what's wrong with me?'
Do I really have high expectations? I think I really do. However, I think I am beginning to feel as though I were imposing these said expectations on my students and thus am always pushing myself a step further to try and add the extra oomph or zest or sugar, spice and everything nice to level up the playing field. It is even more pertinent, I feel, as since the students are all banded for English. If banding is so as to group students of the same calibre, of the same language proficiency, of the same linguistic prowess together in the same class, same environment for a more beneficial learning process, then why is adapting so difficult a concept to appreciate. If engagement of the student is what a teacher is supposed to do, then I surely do not wish to have my students to be cut out from the same cookie-cutter as the rest. For the very simple fact that they are banded, I feel that we should respect the banding and encourage supplementary materials to allow you as a teacher to stretch and optimise the potential of your class while at the very same time cementing an even stronger foundation. It is primarily for the interest of the students!
What about me as a teacher? Don't I have time for myself? Can't I have room for myself to actually have a life and appreciate the many facets of life? Seriously, is it that difficult for me to live a life?
My gripe is not about students. For the record, I enjoy teaching my students despite occasional trying moments. However, it is the system of management that I think needs the fine-tuning more than a simpleton like me. Yet, somehow I get the impression that it would very much be of David and his Goliath.
When I was asked to take over the teaching of Normal Technical students for a short period of time, I cringed and hesitated for I knew that deep down inside me that I would not be able to effectively communicate with them and all the more teach them.
I sometimes end up giving up trying to teach them half-way during my lesson for these students simply just do not understand the basic fundamentals of learning - the willing to want to learn.
Tossed from one extreme end to another end of the education bandwagon, these students have in many instances been shunned one side and sidelined. In our pragmatic Singapore society, it is simply the notion of survival of the fittest that children are being brought up in. Normal Technical students, because of their perceived inferiority when compared with the majority of Singaporeans, are therefore better off on their own, living their own lives and better still if they do not leech on the system that elitist have so painstakingly protected throughout time.
Yet, are they such an abhorrent bunch of students that schools should just simply displace them and finally dispose them? Is there really no glimmer of hope in them?
Out of the eight periods of lessons I had with them last week, I can honestly say that only 1 of it was a complete disaster. It became a verbal quarrel and shouting match, something which I honestly feel that is redundant. Yet, deep down, in spite of the disruptive learning environment that they have chosen for themselves, I find that I can still tell myself with hushed confidence that these bunch of students are actually 'teachable'.
Normal Technical students cannot be taught in a sit-down, listen to teacher approach. They are rowdy, disruptive and sometimes a nuisance because of their short attention span, of their ignorance, of their assumed intelligence, of their desire to want to make a statement, of their lack of acknowledgement and recognition of their achievements, of their lack of hope. These students need to be in an environment where they are in the very first place not discriminated by not only the students but also the teachers, they need to be housed in an institution where practical-based learning is its key thrust and focus of its teaching philosophy. The Northlight School, is therefore a laudable initiative that I personally think will reap its bountiful harvest in time to come.
The only thing that's left to do, which is unfortunately a sad reality, is to change people's perception on these students.
Meeting the Parents on Friday night was indeed something unexpected and where I was totally unprepared. I went with an innocent and pure heart and only wished certain people spoke faster. Within 3 working days, I clocked 35 hours and 45 minutes. Interesting ain't it!
I often feel that I am dealing with the consequences of last-minute decisions made by the people above me. Not that I am wantonly complaining nor am I openly welcoming it either, yet, sometimes I feel that I am trying too hard in filling the shoes of others and raising the benchmark such that the game play is now in an altogether different arena.
This week is another challenge for I have to fill in for another teacher. The challenge is not in developing materials to teach. Rather, the challenge is to think of a way to synchronise or complement my materials with what the other people are using. It is often difficult to work without the relevant resources and I think it could be taking a toll on me as well.
As it stands, I have yet to breathe the air of life outside school work. Yet, I am still embracing the next day, for I know that the next day will bring to itself a radically new set of challenges for me to face and therefore overcome. Am I optimistic? Slightly. Will I like what I do? Perhaps. Do I know what I am doing? Absolutely.
There are a number of things I would like to achieve for the year 2007 however I do not wish to call them resolutions either.
First on my list is to enjoy teaching my students. However, in order for this to be true, I would need to first be given a class and be labelled as a relief teacher rather than a support aid.
Second on my list is to learn how to whip dishes up to the satisfaction of my palette especially since I am leaving for my studies later this year. However, given my successful attempt in baking my chocolate cake yesterday, I think learning how to prepare more dishes could be slightly easier.
Third on my list would be to pass my practical driving test and get my license before I leave for my studies. This one may be a little be tricky but still manageable.
Fourth on my list would be to start a systematic quiet prayer time each day.
Fifth on my list (now don't I sound like Earl from the sitcom 'My name is Earl') would be to impact the lives of my students. However to do this I would need to...well, perhaps read the first item on my list.
Sixth on my list (I think maybe I should stop here because if I were to continue, I don't think I would have the strength to do so) would be to learn to be more experimental and maybe less reclusive.
Let's hope this year will bring with it a bagful of surprises, excitement and optimism!